Tag: Brighton

MATCH REPORT: Brighton Xiles CC v SCC 14th September 2014

SCC won by 35 runs in a 35 over match
SCC scoring 207 for 5
BXCC scoring 172 (all out for 8)


Words I find have left me and I am devoid of exemplary gratitude and praise as there is none sufficient to bestow the gratitude the polite bureau wishes to bestow upon this team! To a comrade, I, Yuri, salute you and send my heartiest back-pats. In short, I love you!

This report fresh in from skipper of the day, comrade commissar captain Cobramovich:

Glove up
East Park


Soho Cricket Collective (207-4) beat Brighton Xiles (172 all out) in 35-over match.

East Brighton Park, Sunday 14th September 2014: Soho won the toss and batted first….5 hours later, as Xiles’ last wicket fell to Vlad The Impaler’s left-leaning leg-spin, an eerie, stunned silence from the shell-shocked South Coasters greeted the mighty Communists’ 3rd victory of the season!

Herewith follows a Pravda-tabloid sketch of how – in batting order – each of the 9 Heroes of Lenin contributed to this cataclysmic result, that surely sent Brighton bookies scampering up the South Downs. in embarrassed retreat..



Snivelling. cowardly, vodka-addled, this washed-up old trooper still somehow manages to maintain an acceptable front to the masses. Surely destined for the salt mines soon however. Took 55 balls to accumulate a pathetic 17. Bowled 1 over of girly double-bouncers and flounced around, clearly stoned, in the field.

From Soldaya:
Comrade Cobramavitch 4 sickles!
An outstanding contribution. A Stalingrad-esque batting performance helping to put on our greatest opening partnership (Tzar – please check all stats but I cannot recall a greater opening stand). His fielding was of a comrade half his age and his bowling trickery outfoxed one of the capitalist scum – much to our Comraderly joy. If only Comrade Jontin had been there to give him his usual support!


COSMONAUT DAGIEV starstarstarstarstar
In contrast, a real Soviet athlete. Blasted 100, humoured his pansy opening ‘partner’ Ceevich along the way, and then retired in a brilliantly witty spoof of the ludicrous ‘English Gentleman’. Bowled 7 overs and took 3 glorious wickets. Double-sweet performance, as ‘Daggers’ has apparently rejected transfer-advances from blue-rinse Brighton Xiles.

Chips please


TOMASZ HODDEROV starstarstarstar
Young gun was cheated of his wicket by dastardly Dave ‘Bull’ Hooper – the Xiles keeper knocking off the bails and claiming a clean-bowled, but responded with an utterly fearsome fielding and fast- bowling performance. A nerveless top catch at deep square crowned a great day for Tomasz the tyro!


SIBERIAN TIGER starstarstarstar
Our new big-hitting no.4 blasted 20 – our second-highest individual score today – in a brutal 72-run, 9-over partnership with Cosmo Dagiev, then took a fabulous low catch at short mid-on. Awarded club cap before the game, in yet another publicity stunt by disgraced Lt Gen Cee’vich..Well deserved though!


VLAD BORINGSKI starstarstarstar
Classic all-rounder example of the re-educated Russian aristo: 17 not out batting, 3 wickets in just 2 overs bowling, pristine white shirt, and entertainingly ribald stories during the drive home. For all this, he deserves the state return of his spooky Transylvanian castle. Hail Vlad The Impaler!

Sussex grace


PETR BRANDONOVSKI starstarstarstarstar
The modern epitomy of a grim Donetsk Depression coal miner, Vice skip ‘Brando’ not only took – and shone with – the gloves, but also energetically cajoled the team to greater heights and tactical nous throughout the fielding session. Chipped in a useful cameo batting with the Bolshevik blade too.


ASIF TIGERETTESKOV starstarstarstar
Siberian Tiger’s mathematician brother, on debut, showed why he is being head-hunted as the Motherland’s next Minister of Finance: Quirky, sociable, empathetic, wordly, wisdom-filled and super-intelligent, he batted late on with aplomb before again waiting his chance – then bowling an unpredictably quixotic spell at the death, to confound the craven capitalists.

Knight and Rocinante


YANKEROV starstarstarstar
What a servant of all the Soviets! Did not bat, but stayed honed and alert enough to deliver a long, strangulating opening spell with the ball – and a supreme deep fielding performance to boot.  An exemplarily selfless sportsman. Yank-off-worthy to watch, in fact!


A player who struggles, like Ballotelli perhaps, with the after-dark temptations of degenerate Capitalism, but who nevertheless always comes through for The Cause. Like Yankers, Soldya did not get to wield the willow today, but never complained. Instead, he tormented the Tory Xiles with his bowling from the off – producing his full portfolio of tweak-trickery, before snaffling a sumptuous catch at the fave fielding position he has made his own, short extra (Commie) ccver.

Hoops Jumped
Hoops Jumped


Do Svidaniya!