Category: General

22 September 2014 By Ad Min

MATCH REPORT: Brighton Xiles CC v SCC 14th September 2014

SCC won by 35 runs in a 35 over match
SCC scoring 207 for 5
BXCC scoring 172 (all out for 8)

AGAIN, VICTORY COMRADES!!!

Words I find have left me and I am devoid of exemplary gratitude and praise as there is none sufficient to bestow the gratitude the polite bureau wishes to bestow upon this team! To a comrade, I, Yuri, salute you and send my heartiest back-pats. In short, I love you!

This report fresh in from skipper of the day, comrade commissar captain Cobramovich:

COSMO & CATCHES CRUSH CAPITALISTS

Soho Cricket Collective (207-4) beat Brighton Xiles (172 all out) in 35-over match.

East Brighton Park, Sunday 14^th September 2014: Soho won the toss and batted first….5 hours later, as Xiles’ last wicket fell to Vlad The Impaler’s left-leaning leg-spin, an eerie, stunned silence from the shell-shocked South Coasters greeted the mighty Communists’ 3^rd victory of the season!

Herewith follows a Pravda-tabloid sketch of how – in batting order – each of the 9 Heroes of Lenin contributed to this cataclysmic result, that surely sent Brighton bookies scampering up the South Downs. in embarrassed retreat..

GEN FRANCOV COBRAMOVICH

Snivelling. cowardly, vodka-addled, this washed-up old trooper still somehow manages to maintain an acceptable front to the masses. Surely destined for the salt mines soon however. Took 55 balls to accumulate a pathetic 17. Bowled 1 over of girly double-bouncers and flounced around, clearly stoned, in the field.

From Soldaya:
Comrade Cobramavitch 4 sickles!
An outstanding contribution. A Stalingrad-esque batting performance helping to put on our greatest opening partnership (Tzar – please check all stats but I cannot recall a greater opening stand). His fielding was of a comrade half his age and his bowling trickery outfoxed one of the capitalist scum – much to our Comraderly joy. If only Comrade Jontin had been there to give him his usual support!

COSMONAUT DAGIEV
In contrast, a real Soviet athlete. Blasted 100, humoured his pansy opening ‘partner’ Ceevich along the way, and then retired in a brilliantly witty spoof of the ludicrous ‘English Gentleman’. Bowled 7 overs and took 3 glorious wickets. Double-sweet performance, as ‘Daggers’ has apparently rejected transfer-advances from blue-rinse Brighton Xiles.

TOMASZ HODDEROV
Young gun was cheated of his wicket by dastardly Dave ‘Bull’ Hooper – the Xiles keeper knocking off the bails and claiming a clean-bowled, but responded with an utterly fearsome fielding and fast- bowling performance. A nerveless top catch at deep square crowned a great day for Tomasz the tyro!

SIBERIAN TIGER
Our new big-hitting no.4 blasted 20 – our second-highest individual score today – in a brutal 72-run, 9-over partnership with Cosmo Dagiev, then took a fabulous low catch at short mid-on. Awarded club cap before the game, in yet another publicity stunt by disgraced Lt Gen Cee’vich..Well deserved though!

VLAD BORINGSKI
Classic all-rounder example of the re-educated Russian aristo: 17 not out batting, 3 wickets in just 2 overs bowling, pristine white shirt, and entertainingly ribald stories during the drive home. For all this, he deserves the state return of his spooky Transylvanian castle. Hail Vlad The Impaler!

PETR BRANDONOVSKI
The modern epitomy of a grim Donetsk Depression coal miner, Vice skip ‘Brando’ not only took – and shone with – the gloves, but also energetically cajoled the team to greater heights and tactical nous throughout the fielding session. Chipped in a useful cameo batting with the Bolshevik blade too.

ASIF TIGERETTESKOV
Siberian Tiger’s mathematician brother, on debut, showed why he is being head-hunted as the Motherland’s next Minister of Finance: Quirky, sociable, empathetic, wordly, wisdom-filled and super-intelligent, he batted late on with aplomb before again waiting his chance – then bowling an unpredictably quixotic spell at the death, to confound the craven capitalists.

YANKEROV
What a servant of all the Soviets! Did not bat, but stayed honed and alert enough to deliver a long, strangulating opening spell with the ball – and a supreme deep fielding performance to boot. An exemplarily selfless sportsman. Yank-off-worthy to watch, in fact!

SOLDYA MAD HATTER FOR A ROUBLE
A player who struggles, like Ballotelli perhaps, with the after-dark temptations of degenerate Capitalism, but who nevertheless always comes through for The Cause. Like Yankers, Soldya did not get to wield the willow today, but never complained. Instead, he tormented the Tory Xiles with his bowling from the off – producing his full portfolio of tweak-trickery, before snaffling a sumptuous catch at the fave fielding position he has made his own, short extra (Commie) ccver.

Do Svidaniya!

19 September 2014 By Ad Min

MATCH REPORT CHESHAM BOIS V SCC 31st AUGUST 2014

CBCC win at 122 for 2
SCC at 119 for 9
40 over not timed

There is an air of the grotto about Chesham Bois’ pitch. A little grotto of cricket where we turn up each year and ask Santa for something special. He hasn’t yet delivered to be honest, at least not with a victory. But in terms of welcome and fun, he has provided ten-fold. And there was no rain or drizzle to be seen! So we all got ourselves prepared and found ourselves in bat. I was late, so Vice Cobramovich limbered up and walked out to open with Vlad. What a pair. What a challenge and a great start too. Slow and steady was required and so it was. As captain, I got my order wrong. We slowed too much and gave ourselves a hill to climb.

Vlad took an impressive 28 with a 3 fours and a six. Cobramovich and Chipmonkski notching 19 and 18. Then a lovely 25 from Samovar with a six to boot! But from our overs we had found only 119 and we knew they were going to be tough to budge.

This is where a rigorous, cricket tea talk-down is required, and many fingers were wagged, many tongues loosened, huffty shoulders were shrugged and terse accusations insinuated. All very un-SCC but as we see too much of a smile in each others’ grimace, we returned happier to the field to set about their bats.

CBCC_Dark_Pavilion — The last light for cricket

Facing Withams and Holloway is bound to loosen the surrounding branches and despite an almost fierce opening by myself and Chipmonkski, it wasn’t happening. Being a forgetful Skipper I only bowled five and not the six overs I had planned but it didn’t hurt as we needed a change. My five overs cost 26 and Chipmonkski’s 36. So Yankerhoff and Jontin in. The former saving some face and taking The Golden Duck of Green through a catch – cannot remember who took it. Anyone?

An over each to Brandonoffski and Altmananov. Now a word must be said and a congratulatory one too, to comrade Altmananov! He doesn’t play too often as he under special duties on the Eastern Front. What he does for the mother country is secret with only millions of people knowing. However, when he can, he plays. Rarely yet, he gets a chance to bowl for we prefer to keep his unique delivery weapon under-wraps. But today he bowled and pitched a corker that tempted Holloway to deliver a catch to Samovar. We salute Altmananov!

They had us beat in 15 overs. We just weren’t up to top speed today. However, we dod have a quick and fun 10/10 match after to play some more which was a nice offer. Although we lost that too. But once again, my lovelies, as I said in to comrade commissar Brandonoffski in a pub once, “I don’t want the SCC to turn into some kind of lethal, winning machine!” (Please correct me Pete!)

Do Svidaniya!

6 May 20146 May 2014 By Ad Min

MATCH REPORT – 4th MAY 2014 SCC v LMSCC

40 overs, timed.
LMSCC win by 6 wickets.
SCC 98 all out

The sickening decadence of the leafy West London suburbs. Complacent, restrained wealth, without a hint of honest, hard-won Muscovite bling. Bird-tweety tree-lined streets. Faux classical bridges in a peaceful park. Happy young families untainted by grim service of the Motherland…Chis-Vick: You get the picture, nyet? The very non-Socialist setting for 2014’s first battle to crush colonialist capitalism at its only decent creation ever – apart from Ze Beatles – Crick-Et !

Yuri’s dog, the ludicrous, self-appointed ‘Lieutenant General’ Francov Cobramovich led the glorious Collective out to bat, accompanied by the Transylvanian classicist Vlad ‘Impaler’ Boringski. And how boring they indeed were, comrades! Nearly three-quarters of an hour spent Dorothying, dot-ing and generally pansying about with innumerable forward defensives and the like. Only the early season sunshine lifted the mood of your humble state scribe.

With the scoreboard on a turgid 27, Vladimir was himself impaled by none other than Altmanov, the latter bowling for LMS. But worry not comrades, the thespian National Treasure has not defected. Along with fellow gent Davidov Hannant of Brighton Xiles, Altmananov was most chivalrously guesting for the opposition, who had turned up under-strength.

Over the next 12 overs though, Vlad’s replacement, the towering Robski, rapidly accelerated the SCC score before his timbers were toppled. And soon after, blessed relief, so were Cobra’s, after an interminable 85 minutes out in the middle, largely spent posing in his White Russian helmet.

56-3 off 23; but with over an hour left to bat, seven wickets in hand, and some lusty, harvest-honed bladesmen to come, surely SCC could still notch a respectable score? However, the middle order – with the exception of big-hitting debutante Sametski Hodderin – had all evidently been too busy before their innings…flirting with the assembled summer-skirted, Soviet PAWS, to consider this most serious sporting question.

SCC v LMSCC Chiswick House — SCC v LMSCC
Chiswick House

One by one, Communist batters four, five, seven and eight each fell for year Zero. I shall not waste Pravda’s typewriter ink naming and shaming the culprits here. Our coach, former Sri Lankan international ‘Keithy’ will doubtless ensure they are suitably punished, hopefully with the club side arm.

Only new star Hodderin, S. (22 runs, with a huge six over mid wicket amongst his four boundaries) and supreme Tzar Yuri (a well-judged 14 not out) salvaged some honour and fighting spirit amongst this mass desertion of duty on the battlefield: The Collective had scraped to 98 all out. Stats fans (and Keithy…) will be fascinated to learn that eight of LMS’s ten wickets were achieved clean bowled. Chief executioner proved to be London Marshes’ devilishly nagging spinner Brawton, senior: This sadistic veteran took a nastily impressive 5-25 off 11 tortuous overs.

Bolstered by a thoroughly delightful French cuisine-inspired spoof of English tea – kind courtesy Madamoiselle Yankeroff – of rich cream scones, home-cooked sausage rolls and traditional sandwiches, spirits were extremely high as SCC took the field to defend a near indefensible total.

Reaching it was to prove no cakewalk for LMS: Mad Soldya Hatscape, Timov Chipmonski and Hitmanherski Yankerov all bowled economical short spells. Hodderin S. and Ilyeva Luncherov were revelations in the field, the latter in particular endlessly sprinting and diving to cover every centimetre of a Steppe-sized zonal fielding area.

Sametski’s brother and fellow debutante Danov Hodderin had boldly opened the bowling (with Yankerov), keeping LMS curtailed with fine figures of 5-0-18-1. Despite struggling with a virus, Vice Captain Brandonovski then made a tricky catch at backward square look nonchalantly easy. And Tzar Yuri topped the attack charts, with three fine wickets.

After 22.1 not entirely nerveless overs though, the Capitalists triumphed, but – such was our Socialistic performance with the ball – the six-wicket victory perhaps even slightly flattered the victors: Encouraging signs, comrades!

Now, anybody have Keithy’s e-mail address…?!?

SCORECARD LINKS:

SCCinnings_SCCvLMSCC4May2014sml

LMSCCinnings_SCCvLMSCC4May2014sml