Tag: Captain Cobramovich

MATCH REPORT – LMSCC v SCC Sunday 10th May 2015



A man beckoned us over from across the courtyard. A strange mix of semi-rural and light industrial buildings were the order of the day. We felt somewhat dirty as we sauntered towards him like delinquent teenagers who discover their first whore house. And such was our first experience of the LMSCC bar. Hidden in plain sight at the far end of the pitch. Inside it held all of the requisites for a bar, including fine velour seating and we were delighted to sit down and take the weight off our haggard, socialist limbs. Time to talk about the match.

It felt like a good solid SCC team. We had all of the ingredients: comedy, competitiveness, youth, aggressive seniority, idolatry [sic] and ostentatious enthusiasm. And what’s more, we were batting first. WE WERE BATTING FIRST! Yeah! That’s how we hang. We just do that stuff. We find boundaries where before there were trees and grass and sheep playing. We hit the ball at it and where it lands is roses and poppies. The openers were Vlad the Exhaler and Hodderoff. Both strode out like heroes. But only Vlad was destined to settle, sadly Hodderoff was soon Walkingoff. Caught abruptly early off Mason.


Unused to be early in the order, I threw down my pencil and girded my loins. Walked out for a swift double and then strode in. Of course, by now, Captain Cobramovich would have been fearing an SCC landslide. But stand aside all comrades of little faith and behold the glory of Soldya. He cuts a great figure and put forward a commendable 6 before being bowled. Now it’s easy to pooh-pooh a sub 10 score but the comrades who can tap out such scores add to a run tally and that can’t be bad. Look back a few years comrades and there are score cards which cascade with individual run scores of less that 3.

Our treasurer was ruefully removed before he could cough out an “Excuse me”. But then came Sewelski, for a super 6 –  great 4 boundary as I recall. Then let’s say a big hello to New-blood, Analitch (Pronounced Ann-Knee-Al-Itch), aka Russell Townley. Now I have seen new bloods come and impress, but this comrade arrived with the a powerful weapon we can all admire – A cheerful countenance! He then also set about ‘not-being-out’ with a bravado and stamina that is needed in depth. 7 scored off 28 balls. Good on ya!

We had maintained a hefty silence beyond the boundary as Vlad patted up into his forties. Was it going to come, was a half century tapping at the car window like a delightful Dogging spectator? No. Run out for 45. But what a game making score and a great knock. It was paced carefully, he partnered magnanimously and as he walked on he was assured of a match making contribution. So Nib-Nib-Nib to Chipmunkski who now set about the defence of the Alamo. 6 scored off a decent bowl count. Dorothy when required is a saving grace.

Scoring time
Scoring time

Let me send another shout out to Lallingrad, aka Vikram Lall. New-blood and with the look of a dynamite comrade. He got his head down and to the roar of many a “Huzzah” he was eventually caught with 8 scored but again, it all adds up and I think we see some new and shining lights amongst us. Much like sparkler sparkles that land on your trousers and for a few seconds you wonder if maybe, just maybe, you’re on fire.

Our innings finished with the passage of Yankheroff and captain Cobramovich. The latter choosing to wait to the end so he could guide our batting throng. As we sat in the bar, we mused over the innings and I think we have to put a great thank-you out to Vlad who was far from Boringski and who gave us some sort of a score to beat. Thank you comrade Vlad.

The egg mayonnaise sandwich needs to be deep, unctuous and slippery with eggyness. And at the tea, they were. So I was happy. The tea needs to be served hot, dark brown and inappropriately accompanying a savoury panoply of sausages, chicken drum sticks and cake. And it was. So the tea was perfect and we were now suitably weighted down and ready to slump across the pitch in an attempt to field.

When you take the field, there is always a gentle to and throw of positions and an expectation of testing thwacks from the bats. A bold captain strides into a locals’ pub and shouts “Drambuie and cola for me and all of you pig-swill smelling locals” – Cobramovich did this but took the swing doors off their hinges as he kicked them in. “Guard the ones and twos, comrades”. A close field was set. A close, fierce, determined and capable field. Openers in the bowling were Yankerhoff and new blood, Lallingrad. Yankers said he was unsteady, but the figures show otherwise. A maiden in his first and no more than 26 off 7 overs.

Next is a dream making moment. Lallingrad, new-blood, intimidated by the fierce oversight of his communist fellows, stirred his loins, felt for his manhood and with swift abandon he ran into bowl against B.Griffin. Good delivery producing a dot. Again he sweats up, another dot. Then denying his feelings and with ruthless ardour, his third delivery was pitched up by Griffin and securely caught by Cobramovich at silly mid-on. Lallingrad’s 3rd ball on his SCC debut. So much more to come and we welcome you, comrade!

What followed then was a superb series of overs where the field tightened up. Our fears of a ball in the nads were overtaken by stunning team spirit. Cobramovich pulling us ever so slowly inwards, tighter, until we could smell the scent of greatness, or at least, goodness.

A.Smoker [sic] was offering himself up and leaving himself open to prying bowling from both openers. But somehow he seemed to stay in and in must be said, slowly notched his way along to a respectable total. But first and second change bowlers came in and set about the bats.

Chipmunkski loves to pitch it in medium slow and with good line. Yuri spits his medium paced bowl to the off or straight. And by the score of 37, Yuri produced an unexpected bounce that resulted in Parnell being caught by Hodderoff. It was catch or lose your head and Hodderoff being still young and not ugly, decided that catching was a good idea. A real blast of shot and a smashing catch – top work. Hodders spent a good portion of the fielding stopping, running and throwing excellently.

Let me take a small sojourn to talk about new-blood number two at the match, Analitch (pronounced Anne-Yall-Itch) – also known as Russell  Townley. He said he was up for some wicket keeping, he said it had been decades, probably will be a bit crap? Self effacing and a down-right fibber – he was great. He doused his gloves in LYNX for balls, as they couldn’t resist sticking to them. Great find and what a super new addition to the SCC.

On came Chowdry who is known to be punishing when warmed up. So we switched the kettle off by a stunning running catch by Vlad at long on, off Yuri’s bowl. It looked by a Yuri collision, as the great Soldya/Yuri collision of Kent, but I knew Vlad was a safer pair of hands and happily took the wicket off his well spotted and held catch.

Nib Nib Nib went the chipmunk, a maiden, single overs, accurate and economic. This is what was required as we were aware of their encroaching run total. Keep it down, field tight. When I ended my innings I was delighted with 6 overs for 5 and 4 maidens including 2 wicket maidens. Somewhat of an anomaly but I will take it!

Hodderoff and Soldya finished up the bowling but it was always going to be tight as LMS edged up their runs. Despite a great field and economic bowling, unfortunately they edged passed our result with 4.5 overs to go. A smashing game of cricket! All parties loved it and we look forward to the next. Great captaincy by Cobramovich, good decision making. Fantastic fielding too.

John Foster
John Foster

A final word in respect to John Foster who we met serving us at the bar. John is an astounding bowler taking three wickets in four balls during Sort CC versus Harlow Vets, in 2012 at the age of 79. Now nothing says more about the health virtues of cricket other than that. We salute you, John!

Semper sodales, fors et victores.

Do Svidaniya!


Match Report: Stonor CC v SCC 15th September 2012

Lenin in Stonor

Stonor CC win by 7 wickets scoring 219
SCC all out for 95
Timed match

Comrades, it is almost unbelievable that our last match of the season has been played. I am so upset, I haven’t yet even opened my kit bag to clean my whites. However, Mrs. Yuri will no doubt soon be bend my ear to do so. Still, as the season has to end, it could not have ended with a more beautiful, exciting and friendly fixture as this. Stonor CC came as manner from a communist heaven (Minsk?) to replace the dissolved fixture with the NFTS. It will be back next year, but so will Stonor, I hope! Thanks to The Fixture List for tipping me the nod,  cocking me a wink or wibbling me wobble.

Strolling out into the Valley of the living, gazed down on by Red Kites and Dear from the valley’s soft, encompassing hills, one was filled with a desire to play smashing cricket and be jolly hearted and hopeful. Cobramovich captained and won the toss and put the oppo into bat, we were off.

Collings and Powell strolled purposefully out into their field of battle, the SCC gathering themselves to play. The sun was bright and hot and the bowling opened with myself and Antonov. I had bowled two balls to dot, then on my third, Collings made a playful swoosh and edged the ball high and into the grateful and sticky hands of our comrade, Andropov Sewelski. An amazing start. I felt quite bad, being so familiar to the batsman’s situation myself, but Andropov and I will bathe in the wicket, thank you very much!

Replacing Collings was Left hander, Nicholson. Reviewing the scorecard I realise that I almost had exclusive use of Nicholson with few other bowlers getting a go at him. Although he had much more use of me than him. Antonov held down Powell quite well on the other side but it took until an unfortunate 49 for Antonov to get a snick and provide Robski with a great double catch at the wicket. A very valuable bat to take.

Deanov delivers

Antonov had 6 overs for 32 runs and a wicket, nice and economic compared to my 8 for 48 and 1. Much improved results from Antonov mark well for next season whereas my plans for round-the-wicket slip catching may go back on hold. KanKan and Chipmonkski were soon bowling. The former once again coming in like a Steam Roller and the Chipmonkski with his punishing demi-loft, lengthy nibble-off-the bails bowl. Though neither Nicholson or Mayo fell, KanKan had 24 off 6 overs and Chipmonkski, 31 from his first 4 over spell.

Jontin now presented his sterling, communist self at the crease and on his second over, suckered the unsuspecting, though already comfortable at 64 Powell into pitching the ball hard and high on the offside towards the pavilion. What followed, comrades, was a cross between a balletic pirouette and side step, an elegant presentation of both arms above the head and a scooping up of the ball in both hands by Vladimir Boringski (aka Charlie). He took a tumble but came up ball in hand. Beautiful.

Aged Dad

Mayo retired hurt at 50 leaving Hunt and young S.Kimber to face Deanov and Chipmonkski on a second spell. Hunt achieved 30 and the young blood, 2 – but his first proper runs we are told, so collective hats off to him, comrades! Deanov’s 4 overs cost 28 and Jontin’s 6 for 45 and 1 wicket, don’t forget. Chipmonkski’s second spell of 2 overs for 2.

I find fielding first not to my liking, comrades. I was quite bushed and the thought of settling down to the scorecard and dotting up our batting was a relief. Something that we must improve at in capability. It helps your Maths and makes you a better cricketer, comrades. It would also mean you can avoid umpiring! If you avoid both umpiring and scoring then the polit bureau will be taking a close look at selection time.

Deanov and Vladimir Boringski opened for us. Agar and Denton bowling. Agar had three maidens in 7 overs and cost only 13 runs – so nice and tidy. It did mean that Deanov had to play tight and build up to his normal prowess. Vlad too was keeping it tidy but Denton had other ideas and on his 2nd over got Vlad LBW for 0. This brought Robski in.

Denton again took our comrade Robski and this time a wicket. At this point we were 7 for 3. Oh dear. Familiarity breeds contempt and this situation is utterly contemptuous. What we needed was steady dotting and Captain Cobramovich stepped up and in. There was peace and calming vibes. no more wickets now for forty five minutes and the score could slowly rise. Deanov beginning to scent blood and bone. A blade flashing for collective might. Cobramovich steeling his nerve.

“Another bat, premier?”

Denton and Agar had their spells and swapped out with Kimber and and Griffiths. Then Kimber jnr. and Collings. Now Deanov was off on a batting mission and we were up to 58. Captain Cobramovich was stumped off Griffiths slinking snake like back to the crease for 5. His return to the steps brought a sunken expression of “I know not to do that” but we were not down hearted. Brandonovski would keep Deanov company, and did so with similar style and grace as our captain. Dotting away like a pro.

Young Sam Kimber took his first grown up wicket (that is to say, a wicket of a grown-up not a fully developed set of stumps) off Deanov just after his 50. Brining in Samovar. Now both Kimber’s were bowling but it was young Kimber again who snaffled Brandonovski by enabling a catch in the field after he had dotted 27 balls, so well done. Poor Andropov very rapidly fell to young Kimber too, caught and bowled.

Disarray in the ranks! Samovar out for 13 to Sam’s father, Antonov in and out in five minutes being bowled Collings. Jontin was now keeping Chipmonksi company and he made a fine communist, if somewhat aristocratically compromised dot of it. Chipmonkski was bowled Denton and so in I popped as tail end Charlie. I padded one ball and then let Jontin face. But we we weren’t there for too much longer as Denton bowled Jontin next over. We were all out for 95. Another SCC batting experience with high points and many, many low points.

Brothers in scoring.
Especially fond of my box on the table

High points with the bat are Deanov’s 50 then some stoical “staying in” and slowing the rot by captain Cobramovich and Jontin. But joining these usual suspects were two splendid additions to the “I can stay in the crease” gang, Brandonovski and Chipmonkski. Well done comrades, sometimes for these timed games, staying in is worth a hell of a lot.

comrade Vladimir Boringski

A very great day in the delightful Stonor Park and great weather too. Great thanks to all at Stonor for their hospitality and art work in the changing rooms(!).  Well done to young Sam Kimber for playing so well and to our splendid support from young Owen Sewelski stepping in early on to cover some late players. Boooh to the traffic in Henley!

…But a big thanks to all of us comrades for making this final match and the whole season so enjoyable and mutually splendid. A finer bunch of cricketing, communistic styled, soho based, media professionals and dependants you will not meet. Unless you do of course. In which case… ATTACK!

Your very devoted comrade commissar Premier, Yuri.


As ever, the scorecards are below!

spcc-v-scc-15-sep-2012-usStonor CC innings spcc-v-scc-15-sep-2012-themSCC innings