Tag: John altman

Match Report: Badlesmere XI CC v SCC Saturday 1st June 2013

40 over game, retire at 100 n/o
Badlesmere XI win by 99 runs; 253 for 3
SCC 154 all out

Belmont House Cricket Ground
Belmont House Cricket Ground

Comrade Commissar Ileyva Lunchourov looked disconsolately from the rain-splattered window of his Zil limousine as it passed Belmont House. These sickening capitalists and their decadent displays of faded, historic, exploitative wealth! This accurse-sed exile!! How he longed once again for the honest grit of the Donbass coalfield and the long-lost, brotherly self-respect afforded him by the heroic miners of the glorious cause.

In the following convoy of black cars, Altmananov’s eyes also narrowed with politico-philosophical distrust as he passed the fascists’ mansion, then Brandonovski’s, and so on, until all 11 of the Soviet cavalcade had traversed the centre of the former great rural estate, on the last lap to the battlefield. Only Jontin, himself rescued by the Red forces from his defiantly aristocratic parents, as a mere toddler during the Great Uprising, seemed to betray a furtive glimpse of distant longing in his dark eyes, as he fleetingly surveyed the stone monolith. His balding, burly State driver surely noticed, but as always remained silent…

An hour later, Supreme Leader ‘Tzar’ (not in the pre-1917 sense you understand, but perhaps we remain essentially a peasant people, at once ever seeking, loving and fearing a Supreme Leader?) Yuri Pedeez, having inserted the Kentish opposition, the Collective were staring into a cricketing abyss: An unreconstructed Badlesmere Occasionals opening batsman – De Moubray, surely an unapologetic exploiter of the masses – was nearing his half-century, clubbing the hissing Cobramovich to the leg-side boundary at will. Hirstheryankov, Samovar, Sewellski and new convert Mullertov Cocktail also all battled hard with their crimson balls to remove this Western ogre; but none could – and the vile Enemy Of The People only retreated once he had passed his debut 100.

I would rather pick my ear than score any more!

In fact, despite some excellent fielding on the big stately home pitch, including Ileyva and Altmananov both bravely taking nasty knocks for the team, we were nevertheless only able to dispatch 3 other capitalists to the Gulag. The highlight for this humble Pravda propagandist being Cosmonaut Sewellski’s wicket: The Blakes 7 oligarch’s rangy bowling quickly eliciting a fine catch at short extra cover from (the clearly surprised) Yuri.

At least we remained cosy in the drizzle-threatening gloom, thanks – courtesy Quartermaster Brandonovski – to our freshly delivered new club sweaters, emanating pungent wafts of Ural Mountain sheep wool. The aroma drifted dreamily over the North Downs and soulfully compounded our deep desire for a return to the Motherland. Meanwhile, by tea a brutal target of 253 had been set us Russians by the Imperialists.

Orthodox blessings then upon the strawberry meringues served, such a guilty bourgeois pleasure for this simple son of the black Ukrainian soil. I justified my corrupted treachery by observing that at least they were partly Red in colour.

I am that bored
I am that bored

With a run-rate in excess of 6 an over required for victory, could perhaps our openers, the in-form Arctic Monster of frozen Arkangel, Jontin – fresh from his Collective record-topping individual score of 77 at Penn Street – and big-hitting ‘keeper Robski, build a platform quickly enough to topple the decadents? Nyet! Robski, then Sewellski, both fell to the ghastly Shirley. Russians, felled for year zeros by a man with a woman’s name. Readers, reflect for a moment on the shame in zat zentence…

Mullertov entered, rather curiously swishing his hips while holding his bat parallel with both hands, possibly in a deranged effort to attract ‘Shirley’ with a courtship dance. Or was it a warm up? Western corruption after all is insidious, and we must always be on our guard against it.

Dear Mum, can I come home now?
Dear Mum, can I come home now?

Spaseba though, our number 4 soon got down to honest work, over a full 97 minutes crafting a Caspian Sea-size 3rd wicket partnership of 105 with Jontin, before finally falling on his sickle in the 24th over for a fine 41. Jontin lasted another half-hour, ratcheting up the score to a near respectable 128-5, at which point he was roostered by Cockerel. (Party-approved word play at an idiotic enemy’s expense, meerkats.) 9 fours, on a tricky wicket and sticky outfield, went towards Jontin’s heroic 72: Another consecutive huge score for the Walrus of the Tundra! Surely the Order of Lenin awaits him at the Union Club in November.

From the remaining batsmen only Samovar, his yogic mysticism tolerated by our gloriously godless regime, could reach double figures; but, facing tidy Badlesmere bowling throughout, it was still encouraging for the future to see The Collective fall just one ball short of batting out the entire allocated 40 overs, the ever-improving Lunchourov cruelly being given LBW on the 5th ball of the final over.

So, 154 all out – a defeat by 99 runs, and surely we had the last grim laugh: The depraved Westerners could not manage to beat us by a hundred. A moral victory for Communist Cricket, Comrades!

Many thanks to all of you comrades and all at Badlesmere. Thank you cmr cms Cobramovich for a startling, incisive, accurate and spine tingling match report, too! – Yuri



Badlesmere v SCC june 2013 - us
Badlesmere v SCC june 2013 – us

Net thrills give way to Match excitement



Last night we had an excellent net session. I was delighted to see a new face, Tom Mayhew – long time friend and sporting comrade to our very fine Cobramovich. Also joining us was VCC (and SCC occasional) – most welcome Rob Muller. Both he and Tom will be needing a CCCP nickname so comrades, get thinking. At the nets too was recent acquisition, John Hirst (nick name please!), Robski, Danny “Hillerenka”, Brandonovski, Altmananov and myself, Yuri.

Comrade Muller proved a happy addition to the night as he was able to bring in his more extensive knowledge of the game and bring out the best of some our fine comrades. Thank you, Rob. SCC’s Robski was lucky to get some batting tips and we all agree that his style and dare i say, communist elegance is sweeping to the fore. Those long limbed swipes of the willow seemed ineffably easy and elegant.

New comrade Mayhew (man of sound excellence!) proved a very useful addition. A fast pair of arms and wrists was putting away nearly all deliveries. Luckily he also posesses some quick reactions and could drop quickly from an over of bouncers I pitched up. His bowling too was good and tight and we look forward to seeing him with us on Friday.

Comrade Hirst, good to his word and eager to attend was pitching some fantastic full length deliveries which seemed to slip through like a soldering iron through tissue. I only got to put a few down to him whilst batting but already I see our batting strength increasing for this season.

Altmananov, stoical, solid, bright eyed and fast to spot the ball was working on some find Dorothy action, dotting the ball solidly and we shall be requiring plenty of that as the season develops. Those pesky late order slips need halting and Altmananov will supply. Bloody good with arm I feel and mid/close fielding will be in order!

It is hard to summaries the beauty of Hillerenka behind the stumps. A more affable and sprightly pair of hands are only made less important by the terrific sledging ability this comrade is capable of. No oppo could fail to admire the terrific verbal banter which sets them off ease and their bales on the grass. But comrades, a true wicky and slip ability and I know that Robski will be keeping his eyes open and learning. With comrade commissar captain Marx, Hillerenka and Robski, I feel we have a great little wicky and slip team. Bravo comrades.

To Brandonovski who I noticed was full of Vim and Vigor last night. Encore! The bat was machete’ing through the wayward balls. I was desperate to “Dorothy” him but rarely had the chance and all we could sledge was an umpiring shout down which barely did us justice. The side-arm is a lethal weapon in Brandonovski’s hands and has really provided some excellent batting opportunities. Personally comrade, More. I want more. I want that ball zipping passed my feet. Let’s aim for an 80mph delivery!!!

As for me, much happier with my beloved Matrix bat. Even down the offside I feel and inkling towards a drive but I must get my head over more and stop pitching it up for a catch. Bowling, well i feel that right arm round and slip/wicky nick is my bowl for the season!

So to this Friday and our game : http://2ht.2f2.mywebsitetransfer.com/?event=scc-versus-bafa-cc-2020-friday-may-3rd The season truly begins. Comrades – it will be fun and a gentle start to the season. The spirit of this event is just right as we are going to be helping BAFTA out with numbers and we are all keen to get our eyes in. Let’s have fun and play dricket.

Semper Sodales, fors et victores!

Do Svidaniya!

Comrade Altmananov is amongst us



Welcome amongst us our newest comrade – We shall call him comrade Altmananov (pronounced: Alt-Man-Annov). He has of course another name, John Altman but this lingers from his previous imperialist days which he has now shed to find shelter amongst our fine body of red adorned cricketeers!

He was with us last week as we fought off the biting cold to improve our batting averages. Joined by Brandonovski, Robski, Ilyeva and myself we made a fine five and hurtled our batting averages upwards. Altmananov has a good eye, in fact, two. Like the rest of us, work required on stroke play but we see fine potential amongst his batting. Famed of course for his nasty Nick reputation, it is with utmost respect that i may say, comrades, a more suitably pleasant and mild mannered addition he makes to our collective.

Welcome aboard, comrade Altmananov!